Growing Up...

Well its that time.... College.
So much to prepare for, and so much to do.
I have basically Committed to Ohio Wesleyan University for Music Education (Voice).
But I really don't know what I want.
Things I'm excited for:
1. Out of the house more.
2. Still get to keep with my band/
3. Make new friends and meet new people.
4. I'll be close to home and close to friends.

Things I'm NOT excited for:
1. Being Close to Home.
2. Being in Delaware.
3. Leaving all of my friends.

I'm pretty sure all this will pass but I don't know about much of anything anymore. My opinions change daily and i don't know what I want from life.

I want so much more...

I feel like everyday I can do much better. I can be a little happier, or i can try a little harder. But, I'm always afraid I'll not succeed. Failure is the only fear i have. Anything else i will face head on.
Sadly,
Failure seems to be my life's story. It follows me. And some how I have found comfort in not trying at all.

This post is 1. A Confession and 2. A venting session.
I've never wanted to be the worst at something... But never tried hard enough to be the best. I just want to be mediocre. I think this is because, well I've never won a single thing in my life... I work hard but that never doesn't mean anything anymore. Mediocrity is now a mainstaple of my life.

This morning I had read the one email that took every dream I have ever had and shattered it... I did not make the BGSU Jazz Studies Program. I have spent the entire day pissed and about to cry my eyes out, but I have no one to blame but my self... I worked hard... But not as hard as the others.

I'm so tired of not succeeding but I'm too afraid not to...
I hate this.
I hate who I am at times.
I wish I could be a harder worker..