The Deadliest of Lies...

So College has done three things for me:

• Made me hate my home even more
• Made me completely miserable.
• Made me realize what I truly want.

Commuting to my school is like paying for the "College" part of the "College Experience". I pay the same damn price, but because I don't live on campus I'm the last to know about anything. It really sucks to not be invited to anything. Having to come home everynight absolutely sucks. I dont get the fun aspect of college. I get to pay 47 grand a fucking year to come home to my warzone of a house.

It's not necessarily the commuting either. Its the fact that my parents still treat me like they did in High school. I have to take my dad to work everyday, I have to check in. I have to do my homework in front of them. Fuck that. I'm almost 19 years old. I don't need to be tied back.

Finally I have realized that I will not be completely happy in my life until I can tour the country, or world, with one of my bands. I would give everything just to share the music with people that I've never met. I would trade this home for a van and trailer. Not showering unless some kid was nice enough for us to spend the night. Thats the life I want. It's childish, I know. But that's what I want.

Rant over.

Growing Up...

Well its that time.... College.
So much to prepare for, and so much to do.
I have basically Committed to Ohio Wesleyan University for Music Education (Voice).
But I really don't know what I want.
Things I'm excited for:
1. Out of the house more.
2. Still get to keep with my band/
3. Make new friends and meet new people.
4. I'll be close to home and close to friends.

Things I'm NOT excited for:
1. Being Close to Home.
2. Being in Delaware.
3. Leaving all of my friends.

I'm pretty sure all this will pass but I don't know about much of anything anymore. My opinions change daily and i don't know what I want from life.

I want so much more...

I feel like everyday I can do much better. I can be a little happier, or i can try a little harder. But, I'm always afraid I'll not succeed. Failure is the only fear i have. Anything else i will face head on.
Sadly,
Failure seems to be my life's story. It follows me. And some how I have found comfort in not trying at all.

This post is 1. A Confession and 2. A venting session.
I've never wanted to be the worst at something... But never tried hard enough to be the best. I just want to be mediocre. I think this is because, well I've never won a single thing in my life... I work hard but that never doesn't mean anything anymore. Mediocrity is now a mainstaple of my life.

This morning I had read the one email that took every dream I have ever had and shattered it... I did not make the BGSU Jazz Studies Program. I have spent the entire day pissed and about to cry my eyes out, but I have no one to blame but my self... I worked hard... But not as hard as the others.

I'm so tired of not succeeding but I'm too afraid not to...
I hate this.
I hate who I am at times.
I wish I could be a harder worker..

Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'N' Roll.

    Lets put this straight. I've got one of 'em. I've got my band, no woman, and no drugs. Does that bother me? Not one bit. What does bother me is when people are curious as to how I'm happy with out all three. Maybe its due to the fact that I son't care about sex. WHOA! What a second, a teenage boy that doesn't care about sex! 
    That's right folks. You heard it here, I just don't care. The hormones of my fellow teenagers have completely ruined sex and all it's glory for me. You know what I do like though? A cup of tea, my ukelele, my bass, my piano, Jesus, and singing. BAM! I've got everything I need.

This I Believe.

I believe that when I am on any stage I am free. Being on stage as an actor, singer or with my band all give me the same rush of energy and sense of invincibility. When I’m up there I am free and no one can touch me. Performing is my passion.

                Never has this been so true to me as on January 21^st, 2011. My band was playing a place called the Seven Venue in Upper Arlington. We were opening up for a signed band from Columbus named The Crimson Armada. Everyone knew the show was going to be big, because the band had not played in Columbus for a year and a half, but we were not expecting the show to sell out.

                I had never prayed so hard in my life as I did that night. “Please God, don’t let me ruin this for my friends and I.” I still to this day will never find it unprofessional to care so much about my performance.  At first I was shocked by the lack of people at the show. The first two bands had maybe 100 people in their crowd. Then the third opening act came on the stage and the place seemed to fill with people. I was amazed at the sea of people moving, the size of the pits, and the pure energy of the people. The crowd was diving on top of itself for this band and I didn’t know how we were even going to compete with that. By the time I walked on stage for sound check I was ready to puke.

                When we finally started our set I was amazed by the reaction of the crowd. I don’t think they were expecting us to be good in any shape or form. Our crowd had so much energy that I feared for my life as the stage shook from the people moving. Its amazing feeling I get when I play for people. Just pure adrenaline followed by a shot of invincibility. No one could bring me down that night. They couldn’t even try. After our set, I was the most confident in my life. I knew this is what I wanted to do.  I have never in my life heard so many good things from strangers about anything I’ve done as I had last night. That feeling cannot be replicated by anything, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

                The stage is truly my home.  I want to be on it every day of my life and perform for people. I don’t care about the size of the crowd; I just want to do what I love to do because I love the felling it gives me. I believe that when I am on any stage I am free. No one can touch me.

Just Get The Fuck Over It

NO BODY GIVES A FUCK! AND THIS IS WHY EVERYONE HATES YOU!

-End Rant.

My friends over you.

Dear women,
I don't care anymore. Use me. I'm a toy. Because guess what? I have my friends. I don't need you when I've got them. This is who I am now. You can't change my mind. My friends come first, that's the bottom line. Even if I had a girlfriend (ha!) I still would take them. Love is a sham. Brother hood is true. My friends are my family. They don't lie. They don't cheat. They don't use me. That's what's up.

My friends are who I'll stick with forever. My band is my family and music is our love. It's safe to say that I don't want any kind of relationship ever and I'll die happy as the crazy old coot that all the little kids are afraid of. I've got my bass, my uke, my voice, and my music. That's all I need to be happy.

So after all we've been through,
I'll still pick my friends over you.